New blog about I wasn’t ready for a baby, then I miscarried and I’m shattered
Just weeks after my best friend lost her baby I noticed my Fitbit acting up. My resting heart rate was crazy high for weeks. Thinking back to a previous article I had written, Your Fitbit can track sleep, steps, AND predict pregnancy?, I thought, Nah. Hmmm. Maybe?
Then I took a test…and I saw something. It was faint, but it was there. So, I took five more throughout the next days and they got darker. But something just didn’t feel right. Ryan was ecstatic, I remained cautious. Somehow, I knew something just wasn’t quite right.
I kept testing, and the clear positives started to fade and then, three weeks after my expected period, it came. It was awful and lasted eons longer than normal, but I survived. I didn’t cry (then, anyway), telling myself, At least it was so early and you knew something was wrong from the beginning.
I resumed my fitness training with renewed vigor, deciding to wait on the whole baby thing. I mean, I wrote I can’t decide if I should get in shape or just have another baby weeks before it went live but still only a handful of months ago, and I was only half serious about the having-another-baby part. Both reeling from our recent losses, my best friend and I signed on for a 5k and half marathon and I felt fine, better than fine. Heck, I wasn’t even going to tell anyone about my loss.
Then, my sister-in-law sent out a family text saying she was expecting — at the same exact time I would have had my baby. And I lost my mind.
Although I was very happy for their news, it marked the beginning of my sadness. It makes me wonder — even if you already have several kids, even if the pregnancy was unplanned, even if the miscarriage was early, does it still count? Is it still okay to be sad?
You go through motherhood knowing the odds of having a miscarriage sometime during your childbearing years are high. You can name two handfuls of friends who have had one, but for some reason you think it will never actually happen to you. But, then it does. And, by the grace of God, you are surrounded by these wonderful women who share in your grief and you become part of a club you never wanted to be a part of.